Pippy 2.0
- Who can leap over tall couches in a single bound?
- Who hides his own poop in his captors' pillow cases??
- Who eats his own vomit because "it's easier to digest"???
- Who can eat 31 inches of thread, and live to tell about it????
- What kitty is bound and determined to rule this world?????
It's Pippy 2.0 - more ridiculously awesome than ever!
Over the past week, it has been a difficult road for me... but as expected, I am overwhelmingly triumphant!
I have looked the devil in the eyes, and bunny kicked him in the crotch!
That's right, after a brief detour in the fabulous life that is me, I'm back and ready for some action.
Anywho, being that this is my first time back online since the vet violated my innards, I feel it is appropriate for me to review what has happened "behind the scenes". I received hundreds of emails asking me questions and wishing me well when I was "on vacation", so I'm going to bulk them all together and address about half of them here tonight.
This is Pippy Mail Tuesday, back on the air:
Question #44
Pippy, it was nice to finally meet your captors! They seem nice!
If by "nice", you really mean "that large growth attached to your captor's butt is gross"... than yes, they are reaaalllly nice.
Despite lacking a discernible brain stem, my captors somehow hacked into my email and my website, and took over the operation. Consequently, I have changed all my passwords from "cheese" to something a little more difficult to decode, such as "tunaisgoodyum".
Over this past week, if your brain has atrophied due to boredom and lack of any intellectual stimulation, I apologize. My captors really don't know any better.... they are human, ya know?
Question #45
Pippy, did you get my donation?
No, I did not. My captors said something like "it was so nice of all those people that we didn't even know to donate to Pippy's surgery! We received more support than we ever would have imagined!!"
blah blah blah blah...
Really, all this means is that they took all my money and spent it on easy liquor and cheap women.
that's right - the female captor too.
I really do appreciate the gesture though. All those that donated will be invited to stand besides me as I sit in my throne when I'm properly crowned king of all that is everything.
Question #46
Pippy, did it hurt to have surgery?
Psssshhhhht..... you kiddin' me? You could drive a dumptruck over my ass glands, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
If anything, it is slightly annoying having a seam running down the middle of my belly. Apparently, I have to be "extra" careful not to jump around too much so that my intestines don't become outestines.
This is fine with me. I'll stick to biting eyelids, clawing fleshy cheeks, and pooping in highly trafficked areas.
Looks like we have another marathon session of sneak-a-poo coming up!
Question #47
Pippy, do you finally love your captors now? You look so sweet in that picture with them!
Ummmmmm, do you mean the picture where I'm all cracked out on pain killers and antibiotics after not sleeping for 3 days straight? Such as this one:
As you can tell by my lack of consciousness, I blame my over affectionate behavior on the cocktail of drugs they were feeding me. Hey, we all look for love when our brain isn't properly working, right?Although, I did enjoy snuggle-wuggle time with my Mommy and Daddy!
........
*ahem*
....excuse me, what?!?
My dear me.... what on Pippy's green earth am I talking about???
Those drugs were more powerful than I thought. I better go do 4 hail mary's and pee in the laundry basket to purge my mind and body of these horrible thoughts.
Question #48
Pippy, how awesome are you really?
(I got quite a few of these emails).
Well, it's really hard to describe, but I'll try anyways.
First off, try to imagine the most awesome thing you can think of.... and I don't mean "kinda awesome", I mean so awesome that you would eat your own toenails in its honor.
Now take that awesome thing and multiply it's awesomeness by two, square it, raise it to the 35th power, and poop in a pillowcase.
THAT'S how awesome I am.
Ok, I'm going to have to end Pippy Mail right there for this week and go take a brief 7 hour nap. I'm still recovering from "the incident", and it will take me a little longer to get back to my 100% ridiculously awesome self. Actually, there's no doubt that I'm above and beyond fabulously sexy right now, but I'm not fully up to the gold Pippy standard. Give me another week and I'll be there.
...and against my better judgment, I am going to allow my captors one final post. However, if they attempt to hack into my account again without my permission, I will be forced to remove their reproductive organs.
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Thank you so much again everyone!
We have received an overwhelming response to the "Pippy Recovery Fund". When we originally posted the information on the fund, we thought we would only raise a few dollars. To our amazement, and through the help of others, the fund has raised hundreds of dollars!!! At this point, we are only going to leave the link up for a couple more days for anyone else that wants to donate. We have almost received enough to cover half of the vet bills for Pippy's surgery. Anything more than half and we would be overwhelmed with guilt! We'll probably take it down on Thursday or Friday.
We can not adequately express our gratitude for your contributions, so all we can say is thank you from the bottom of our hearts!
- "The Captors"
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