Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Pippy Mail Tuesday!!! #11

Another Pippy Mail Tuesday is here!

For the noobies, let's get you on the program. To gain additional Pippy knowledge, see the previous Pippy Mail posts by clicking the links below:


There were quite a few questions this week, and unfortunately not all of them were answered. But come on people, I still need my 18 hours of sleep!

So with that said, let's get to the questions!

Question #36

Dearest Pippin,

I'd love to hear back from you Pippin. Do you have a girlfriend? I noticed that you must live close to me as I noted a product with the name Giant Eagle on it in one of your videos. I live in the Pittsburgh area.

Keep up the world domination thing and know that we are ALL behind you and working with you in all respects!

Always yours,
Royale Princess Lila Don



Whhoooaaa there Lila D! That's a very suggestive pose for a PG-13 site such as this....

Pippy like!

First off, thanks for visiting my website all the way from Pittsburgh. The power of the internet is truly amazing - connecting people who are tens of miles away from each other.

Anywho my dear, I have somewhat addressed the girlfriend question in the past. As you may or may not know, my captors removed my glorious balls at the sweet age of 2 months. Apparently this is a right of passage for humans - once a human boy has successfully removed the balls of a young kitty, he becomes a man.

So some may think a lack of balls equates to a lack of desire for a girlfriend - or even sexy time - but you need not worry.

As addressed in Pippy Mail #3:

"Do I still have urges for sexy time, considering I am neutered? The answer is clearly, and undeniably yes!!

How can this be so, you ask?

Through research and exhaustive patient interviews, it has been found that many people (or cats in this case) experience a phenomena known as "Phantom limbs" after the removal of a body part or limb. Approximately 50-80% of amputees experience the phenomena accompanied by sensations of movement, pain, discomfort, itching or even burning.

I, therefore, suffer from what world renowned scientists have termed "Phantom balls". The side effects of which are dominated predominately by the insatiable desire to mate, followed closely by an incredible urge to itch."

Where there's a will there's a way - Nah'mean?

And no, the Great and Glorious King Captain Pip does not have a girlfriend.

Let the bidding begin.

Question #37

Hi there Pippy,

I have a pair of feuding cats...you know, the usual sitting on each other's faces, pooping where the other likes to sleep, bunny clawing each other, and respectively guarding the litter box so the other cannot enter (the ratio of constipated kitties in this household has skyrocketed). Do you have any kitty wisdom you may be able to bestow on me about how to end this madness?

Thanks,
Ms. J from MA


Ms J-Ma! Do you happen to enjoy reggae?

Anyways, you have a problem, and I have the remedy. They don't call me Dr. Pipper for nothing!

So as you pointed out, there are 4 distinct problems you have listed:

#1 - Butts n' faces
#2 - Poops on Pillows
#3 - Bunny claws to the face
#4 - Litter box sentinels

Well, it is my diagnosis that your cats suffer from "my tail is bigger than yours" syndrome. These cats are highly territorial, very suspicious, and can be violent to one another or even to themselves.

There are two possible solutions that will remedy all these problems:

Choice A: Separate the sleeping, pooping and eating areas of your kitties. For example, a litter box should be readily available at all times in at least two different rooms. Your cats seem territorial, which is fine, so let them have their own territory!

- or -

Choice B: Stage an American Gladiators type competition between the two kitties. Whichever one wins becomes "King Dominant Kitty" and the other takes on the subservient roll. The clawing, pooping, guarding will continue, but at least the roles will be clear.

Question #38


Hello Pippy

My name's Lucky, and I'm on my female captor's computer. I would like to ask you how you stay so fit and trim, as I am quite obese. An instructional kitty-aerobics video would be helpful. Thank you!

Lucky, Canada



Lucky, you are my first Canadian question!

First off, while I can see by your picture that you have a bit more - how do you say - "fluff" than the average kitty, you are not hideously overweight.

Take this poor cat for example:


To be honest with you, I have not considered a kitty instructional video... until now! I'll have to get back to you on this one ;)

Question #39

Dear Pippy,

Is your captor single?

Love,
Mary, MI

What? Am I not hot enough for you :(

hahahhahahaaa..... just kidding. Of course I am.

Really, what is with this question this week? Between blog comments, emails, and messages on catster, I think I've gotten over 200 of these since I was featured on cuteoverload.com.

Before this question gets asked of me again, I think it is important for all the human females out there to fully understand what they're dealing with when they show interest in the male captor. Therefore, I thought it would be a good idea tonight to show a picture of him:

Unfortunately, I could not locate a recent picture, although the resemblance with this guy is uncanny. The only difference between this picture and him is that my captor has a unibrow.

Still interested?

Question #41

Dear Pippy,

I love your blog! I'm thinking about starting a website myself. With your infinite wisdom, I was wondering if you could provide me with the recipe for a great website!

Mr. F of Boston, MA

Well Mr. F, I do in fact have a recipe for a great website.

So here tonight, ladies and gentlemen - kitties and cats, on this glorious Pippy Mail Tuesday I will be providing you with the my official recipe called, "How to make a fantastically awesome website... for dummies"

INGREDIENTS

  • 1 large brain - unspoiled and firm
  • 1 large furry tail
  • 1 cup of ridiculous awesomeness (natural)
  • 2 heaping cups of humor
  • 1/2 cup of furry goodness
  • 2 teaspoons of crazy cuteness
  • 1/2 teaspoon of wit
  • a dash of sexy
  • 2 bunny kicks to the face
  • and 1 (16 ounce) can refrigerated flaky biscuit dough

DIRECTIONS

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. Butter a 7x11 inch baking pan.
  3. Turn on the computer and begin to think of really cool things to say.
  4. Using furry paws, enter into computer those really cool things you just thought of.
  5. Lick the buttered baking pan with an abrasive tongue.
  6. Turn off the oven before you burn down your house
Well, good luck Mr. F. I hope my recipe proves to be deliciously helpful.




So once again, that wraps it up for another Pippy Mail Tuesday. Remember, send in your emails so you can be featured in next week's Pippy mail!

by Unknown

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